Setting Boundaries with Compassionate Communication
When we think about setting boundaries in our relationships, we often feel like it's a process that is a little rough around the edges.
How are we supposed to be firm in our boundaries without hurting the person we're creating the boundary with? This is where skills of compassionate communication come in.
So, what is compassionate communication? It is a way to navigate a disagreement that centers empathy and our shared humanity. It looks like listening to someone without judgment, using I' statements, and understanding that the conversation should be centered on a shared connection. Using these skills allows us to lessen feelings of shame or other negative emotions that come with these difficult conversations.
How do we implement this? An article by Dr. Steven Stony outlines key communication skills that center emotions while keeping intimacy and clarity intact. The article outlines a few important things to consider when having a difficult conversation with someone.
First, we have to understand that our non-verbal cues are just as important as the message we're trying to convey. We have to be conscious of things like our "body language, facial expressions, eye contact, level of distractedness, [and] tone of voice" as research shows that the other person will judge your words based on what they feel your emotional tone is showing them.
Second, we have to go into the conversation with the right type of goal in mind. Often, we go into conversations around boundaries wanting the other person to accept our request without push-back, but that type of goal leads to resistance. Instead of this goal, we should go into the conversation seeking to connect with the person by showing them that you are interested in their thoughts and care about how this new boundary may affect them.
Third, we already have these skills, we just have to apply it to boundary setting. If you think back to a time you felt emotionally connected to a person during a difficult conversation, you were probably already using these techniques without realizing. Remember, if we re going to change habits we have to be intentional with our actions and practice, practice, practice.
SOURCE: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-
entitlement/ 201905/intimacy-and-communication